Minute by minute

I have no job and no prospects. Lately I’ve been feeling so angry and frustrated I’ve not been able to even write in my blog. Sorry, blog. You’ve been neglected. But sometimes I need to curl away from the world and weep, and curse, and sob. Sometimes I feel ashamed at feeling so bad. Even though I know I should not be. But I’m used to being strong. Feeling useless and worthless and pointless is hard for me.

Every day, every hour, every minute has been a struggle this last few weeks. But I AM getting up out of bed, eventually. I am painting the house. I am making our new bathroom beautiful with the last of my dwindling funds.

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I am buying Xmas gifts and planning to send a gift basket home to my family. It’s boring books this year, but all my family read, avidly.

I am always tired. Always angry. When I’m like this I need to be alone. And I am.

As to my new life path: I’m an over-educated lady-who-lunches, bitter and disillusioned. There’s no reason for me to think. I’m bored shitless. And if anyone dares say to me “oh, surely you can live off your husband’s income, he must be earning a lot”, I’ll punch them in the face. Where’s a fucking barbiturate when you need one? I’ll have to resort to illegal drugs soon, just to get through the day.

Just to get through the long, fucking waste-of-time day.

Here’s to the Ladies Who Lunch. Here’s to the girls who stay smart. Aren’t they a gas?

Another Vodka Stinger.

Rise!

And don’t you dare send me platitudes and inspirational notes or prayers or be-grateful-for-what-you-have bullshit. I know I’m lucky. I know I’m the luckiest person on earth to be super healthy and wealthy (relatively) and loved, and to be married to a wonderful man and to have a wonderful life in the bestest country in the world. I KNOW this. But if you dare say anything even remotely like this to me right now I’ll punch YOU in the face.

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