Beaten up a bit.

I’m all right. Feeling like my year of rejection is coming true, but as I said to DH just now, I’m no longer depressed, I’m not taking any  medication and I feel ok. I’m not being paid to think so I’m not. That’s ok too, right now. Not sure where this leads me. Not very creative, nor wanting to be. I’m painting the interior of the house. It’s cathartic, and much like writing a thesis. There’s a truckload of hard yakka that goes into the built structure, then a coating of beautiful clean white paint to cover the missteps and workings. You can sometimes see the awkward bits and the paint drips but mainly it’s fine. White, neat, finished. 

Painting is a shit job, but I have the time and inclination to do it. Stops me feeling. 

A friend of mine, whom I’ve not known well nor very long, finally snapped on the weekend. Her journey mirrors mine, in that we each did something big and good and profound and inspirational and challenging and ambitious. But like me she has suffered a fall from the heights. But she has fallen a little further. And I worry about her constantly and hope she is safe and getting the help and care she needs. 

And I think, there but for my grit go I. And grit I do have. And bloody mindedness. And resilience. So I’m not being paid to think. The world’s loss, I reckon. I have a room of my own; I have an idea for a concert and an idea for a cabaret. But I am not going to do that right now. Now: I’m watching Netflix and preparing for Xmas. 

And also now, I paint. 

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2 thoughts on “Beaten up a bit.

  1. Hello! I’ve missed your recent posts but it sounds like you are doing it tough right now.

    I hope that blogging, as well as painting (love the analogy with the PhD), is helping you through the muck. Kudos for being willing to be openly vulnerable and share your story about the dizzying highs of PhD completion and the lows that can follow. It seems academia is a place where grit and resilience are needed in bucketloads. Did you see this recent piece on the academic ‘shadow CV’? http://sasconfidential.com/2015/11/20/shadow-cv/ It talks about all the rejections which shadow the highlight reel.

    If 2015 is the Year of Rejection, perhaps you can cast it off on December 31 and begin anew in January.

    Deb

    1. Hey Deb, lovely to hear from you! I’m blogging about my renovation experiences, rather than blogging about how shitty I feel. Better for me and the world. The lows are profound, but can be overcome, but it’s getting over the ennui that’s hard. Feeling dumber by the second! So painting is good, honest, straightforward work that keeps me on an even keel while I’m not thinking. Yes, I saw the shadow cv. Gah. I don’t even have 100 jobs to apply for in my field. 1 a year if I’m lucky! So there’s a dilemma between wanting to work, having the will and the willingness to engage in work, and the lack of available roles. Like many, I feel I have so much to offer. No one wants or needs it right now. So keeping positive is kind of ridiculous in my position. On the other hand I need to see this as necessary down time. Which I am and it’s good.

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