Well, I’m feeling great this week! Telling my story and hearing the stories of other people whose family members, friends and relatives have transitioned makes me feel part of a wonderful, caring, sharing community. Today I feel a silly sense of joy and relief that my child Mara has survived her adolescence and is becoming an adult. She has a lot of growing up to do, given how she has dampened her true self over the last 10 years.
I am struggling with the pronoun issue – biologically Mara is still male, sounds male and looks male, despite the new clothes. And I’ve thought of Mara as male for more than 21 years. That’s hard to change over night. Luckily Mara thinks it’s hilarious. It’s not, really. But I’ll try hard to change my gendered approach to EVERYTHING now that I have to. What I guess Mara doesn’t yet understand is that my brain has to change the way it processes how I think about her. Even writing “her” and “she” causes a brain fart. Ugh. I’ll get used to it I guess! I think it’s probably hardest for those who have lived with Mara as a male the longest. Which is me and her brother. Who also suffers. Grief is a funny thing. Right now, grieving is the last thing I think I feel. Today I feel joy.
And I’m really excited because I get to see my children very soon. And soon I’ll write about how I managed to finish my literature review and complete a long overdue article to RSME and get a BOOK published. All in good time.