When I am depressed I become more stupid. My mind becomes more closed and synapses don’t function very well. I notice this because today I am pulling myself out of the muddy pit, with help from my husband, and as I climb I am noticing a few things. I feel rather stupid. Things that in my thinking were clear and intelligible, lateral and intrinsic to my work have become clouded and elusive again. I cannot think clearly about my research without stumbling over how I might consider the concepts. It’s frustrating and time consuming. I feel that I ought to have a clearer grasp of what I have been working towards but at present I do not.
I am still sad, I am still low. But the muddy pit lurking below is just that, at present: below. My husband sent me a paper he is working on, for which I was the lead researcher, and I will also be on the paper. By sending this unfinished paper to me, he galvanised me into action. I began work on the paper. I feel a little better today, as I spent all of yesterday afternoon on it – at least 5 hours. I also began an abstract for another conference (yet another conference!) and this is where my stupidity comes in. How can I talk about the emotion of singing without sounding like every other person who also talks about the emotion of singing? What can I say about my research that is different to what everyone else says? How is my research different to that of others? I KNOW it’s different, but I can’t say so clearly today.
Which is why depression makes me stupid.